A Christmas Wish List for Writers

My friend J.A. Konrath is offering New Year's resolutions for writers over on his blog this week. As usual, he's dispensing good cheer and good advice, saying nice things like be grateful to your editor, don't procrastinate, take responsibility for your career, don't forget to floss, and always carry protection. Okay, not those last two. But Joe is very generous with his help. He's the Writer's Mensch. It's his official title now. I don't have any good advice this week. I'm crabby, behind on my book, didn't finish my Christmas cards, and have to go fight the Visigoths at Target again today. But I wanted to give all of you out there who write what good wishes I can muster.

So I've taken it upon myself to write up a Christmas list. This isn't MY list. This is for you. I'm going to take it to the mall today and hand it to the fat guy in the red suit on your behalf. Because no matter if you are published or un, no matter how high or low you are on the writers food chain, you deserve something better than another ugly tie.

Dear Santa,
I am a writer. I don't know if I've been naughty or nice. But I have worked hard all year. Here is what I want under my tree:

• A three-book deal with a publisher not teetering on insolvency
• My books backlisted in B&N
• My latest paperback in Costco and Sam's Club
• A royalty check that will cover more than a tank of gas
• An agent who helps me believe in myself
• Clint Eastwood asking if the rights are still available
• A SRO crowd at Poison Pen for my reading
• A letter from an editor that starts out, "We are interested in seeing your manuscript..."
• A slot on the New York Times list. Will settle for extended.
• An 80% sell-through rate
• An agent who will take a chance on me
• A really hot cover
• A panel at Boucheron NOT on Sunday morning
• An Anthony, Agatha, Barry, Thriller or Shamus nomination
• One of those little porcelain statues that look like Poe for my shelf.
• Another good idea so I can keep doing what I love to do.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, happy Qwanzaa, Merry Festivus. May you get all you ask for. And many happy returns. Wait. Make that NO RETURNS.