Booky Noise...HELP!
Well, shoot. Or shoot me, if you must.
Due to an AOL problem (this is the new "the dog ate my homework" excuse), I have lost a couple of your Booky Noise entries that I had waiting in storage to post here. I thought I had saved them in a special folder, but they have vanished.
If you sent me one and still want feedback, please resend it asap and we can resume our critiques. Or, if anyone new to this blog wants to participate, here's the deal:
Booky Noise is devoted to our group here giving feedback on the opening of your work-in-progress. Please limit your opening to just a page or less, the idea being that if you can't caught our attention in a page, it ain't working anyway.
And to the four of you who were waiting, you're up first, if you can resend.
Going back to ferreting out the typos, crappy syntax and brain farts in my manuscript now...
Due to an AOL problem (this is the new "the dog ate my homework" excuse), I have lost a couple of your Booky Noise entries that I had waiting in storage to post here. I thought I had saved them in a special folder, but they have vanished.
If you sent me one and still want feedback, please resend it asap and we can resume our critiques. Or, if anyone new to this blog wants to participate, here's the deal:
Booky Noise is devoted to our group here giving feedback on the opening of your work-in-progress. Please limit your opening to just a page or less, the idea being that if you can't caught our attention in a page, it ain't working anyway.
And to the four of you who were waiting, you're up first, if you can resend.
Going back to ferreting out the typos, crappy syntax and brain farts in my manuscript now...
posted by PJ Parrish | 12:00 PM
2 Comments:
I posted and got great feed back a while ago. I've done a rewrite. Can I post again?
Hi Jeannie,
I think you have a good skeleton of a scene here. I really liked the moment when you tell us someone is secretly videotaping the exchange on the beach. In general, I just didn't feel any emotional charge but I think that can be fixed easily with some added description. Especially in places like the dialog exchange starting with "I want your clothes." I don't know what to feel here because I have no idea what she's feeling. Is she whining, is she screaming, is she cold, breathing heavy?
Just some small stuff:
"A crisp October breeze cut across the sand and maked me shiver."
A crisp October breeze cuts across the sand. I shiver.
"The soft shimmer of moonlight cast an eerie silver glow across the water"
Watch your cliches. Give us a unique view of the moonlight on the beach so we don't just skim over that part as "been there, read that".
"Ephraim pulled the little thingy back on the top of the gun with an ominous click."
'Little thingy'would only work for me here if it was in the dialog, not in the narration.
I do think it's a good scene to start a novel with, just need to fill in some detail. Good luck!
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